Fences

This, they unanimously decided, was a loss.
The fumes from the burning rubber filled their noses and clouded their eyes as their sacrificial offering went up in flames. This was as sentimental as it got on the road. The girls sat, perched on makeshift chairs around the fire. It licked and chewed feverishly at the carcass. A flat tire. Their flat tire, to be more precise. You win some, you lose some, they had said. This, they unanimously decided, was a loss.

Julie didn't look at me. Not since the arrival of her cousin from America. She had an excuse now. She had somewhere else to place her attention.
It'd gotten a lot worse over the last few months. The same white coat and stethoscope who'd greeted me all smiles in June, kept repeating and repeating his new favourite line.
"We still have hope." His smile on his lips, his eyes on my wife. Her mind elsewhere.
After that, everyone at the hospital kept asking what they could do for me. Did I want a cup of tea? Was I in any pain? Would I need help in the bathroom? The answer was always yes. Yes, I would always need help. So I asked to go home, more to appease my long suffering Julie than out of embarrassment for myself. At some point, being shy gives way to necessity, I suppose. And so I was sent home. 
It was hard for my wife, even with the nurse visiting four days a week. She bathed me and cooked for me and cleaned up after me and literally supported me. And in return I gave her love. I didn't have anything else to give.
Then her cousin arrived from America, and something changed. Julie smiled, even laughed sometimes. She relaxed. The worry and pain I had seen in her turned to seeds of happiness and laughter. It was then that I realised my wife didn't love me anymore. And I was grateful.
She spent her days living. I spend my days being; just waiting for that final sweep of relief as she let her eyes look into mine for one last moment. My eyes, already gone.

One Man

One man, though. One man, and his dog.

Winter came on strong. Water pelted down to soak bodies being grabbed by gusts and gulps of angry air. And soon the figures were forced to vanish. The streets were handed over to the army that marched in. More men, more men, glad to show no mercy.
The ground, which had been kind to those that caressed it, now took joy in playing tricks. The city lost all self assurance, it's once brave feet sliding from beneath it on the deep set ice. It's eyes watered from the stinging winds.
This city had been scorned again. 

One man, though. One man could not squirrel away into the warmth of his winter cocoon. He trod on and on, his little shadow at his heel, and on and on they trod. For need. For must. For fear he was already auditioning to play a part he could not want. If he was cast to be stone, it would not stop his little shadow from still pacing at his heel.

L

with each pulse of my body,
every fibre of my being,
and all of my heart, for as long as it keeps beating.

L

We are this downbeat generation.
And there's your only explanation for how we treat each other
gun down and beat each other to within and inch of our lives
and no one bats an eye.
And those of us who are still fine?
Well, we must believe in some divine power.
But that doesn't really matter because as we listen to the drone and moan of our leaders
we realise they don't really need us.
It's a staged fight, but it's alright.
We only live until we die.

Enough

The truth is... the truth is not the same as a fact. Truth, I have discovered, is subjective. I can say that it's a good day and it be true to me but not to someone else, and the same goes for feelings and emotions. I'm going with the flow of this thought now, so forgive me, ghost reader, for the vague ambiguity and the brevity of it all. Clarity is always oh so fleeting.

What is true, to me? What do I want?

Less time in my head, more time acting

Longer days with a brighter sun

Create and see creation

More savouring and less chugging

I want colour

Less clothes. No, different clothes. Clothes that make me want to stand up taller

I want a chess board and a card night

I want to learn to read braille and speak sign language

I want to save money and be reserved about it

And then I want to spend it all in adventure

I want to meet people with unconventional views on sex

I want to mingle with strangers who don't speak my language

I never want to order 'the usual'

I want to give up smoking

I want to cheer people up and on

I want to remember you and be remembered in return

Most of all I want to believe that this list will really make me happy. And when I have made myself believe... I want them all to happen, and for that to be enough.

Today I Know

Today I know how Alice felt as she sat among the long grass and heard the flowers sing. The blades of grass glimmer as the sun beats down upon them and they dance relentlessly in the light breeze.

As I sit among it I start to wonder, what are my dreams? I know his and hers and yours and how they all are similar to mine. Maybe we all have dreams in common, or maybe over time you've all influenced me.

My dream is this - to sit in the sunshine and be well and able to say what I want and do what I want. I want good wine and food and days spent in good company, in friendship and in love. And in the end I want to grow old, I really do, and by my side I want someone who I know very well. Someone who I know just as well as they know me. And so when they're gone, I won't mind so much because we'll have left behind us a trail of memories that will warm my soul if ever I get lonely.

I don't know when these things will happen, or whether some have already begun. I can't wait to look back and be able to know who I am and who I was. It all starts here, among the long grass and birds, with the sun shining down through the wispy feathers that cloud the sky.